I'm not one to fill out or post surveys about myself. That said, I received an interesting request on MySpace recently...to fill out a survey about someone else. Better still, this girl was a classmate in a gen ed class five years ago. I barily ever spoke to the girl, much less ever hung out with her. However she seemed to find it fit to send me a survey about how great of friends we are. What follows is that survey...her name has been changed to avoid me getting angry emails.

1. Who are you?
I'm Chaz, who the hell's askin'?

2. Are we friends?
I suppose it would best be described as aquaintance.

3. When and how did we meet?
We met five years ago in a Gen Ed English class, my life has never been the same since...oh wait, yes it has.

4. How have I affected you?
No.

5. What do you think of me?
I try not to.

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
I recall a drunken Ms. Smith approaching me at Molly's, saying something slightly provocative about my outward appearance, then stumbling back to her herd.

7. How long do you think we will be friends?
We've never hung out, so I don't think the clock has even started on that one.

8. Do you love me?
Like a fat kid loves cake, however that fat kid has type two diabetes and the cake will kill him. So it's kinda a love hate type thing.

9. Do you have a crush on me?
Maybe back when I thought there was the slightest chance of ever seeing you naked.

10. Would you kiss me?
Yeah, why the hell not?

11. Would you hug me?
I'll hug just about anything that won't leave a stain on me. If you meet the requirements, then all abord the hug trolly.

12. Physically, what stands out?
Your feet, oh wait, that's what stands "on"

13. Emotionally, what stands out?
You seem generally happy, except when you're not.

14. Do you wish I was cooler?
Dear lord, yes.

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
If you were in my oven, I'd have it set to medium-high for 15 minutes, or until your crust was a golden brown.

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Nutsac Tony. My reasons are mine alone.

17. Am I loveable?
I should ask the two other men in that English class from five years ago.

18. How long have you known me?
See above question.

19. Describe me in one word.
philanthropist.

20. What was your first impression?
When my doctor spanked me while holding me upside down, it left quite an impression on my asshole.

21. Do you still think that way about me now?
You're not my doctor!!

22. What do you think my weakness is?
You're mortal...where do I begin?

23. Do you think I'll get married?
Everybody does, and just about everybody does again.

24. What makes me happy?
I'm guessing shitty online surveys to help bolster a waining self-confidence level.

25. What makes me sad?
Getting the results of shitty online surveys.

26. What reminds you of me?
I once had a very lightly salted cashew.

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
Two words of advice...En-joy.

28. How well do you know me?
Is this a repeat of an earlier question? On a scale of 1-10 I'd have to say tomato.

29. When's the last time you saw me?
I think that time at Molly's, maybe 3 years ago, was it?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
No, I'm as open as I can be with you.

31. Do you think I could kill someone?
Sure, but you'd never know.

32. Have we ever had sex?
If we did it couldn't have been that good, cuz I'm drawin' a blank.

33. Do you miss me?
Like a fat kid misses cake.

34. Do you think i miss you?
Yeah, why the hell not?

35. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?
No.

She responded to my submission of this to her by saying I was "kinda" mean, and now refuses to talk to me. The truth hurts, baby.

Yesterday I was told I looked quite similar to a "British Street Thug." I questioned exactly what one looked like, and this person reponded "Oh, I don't know, but you definitely look British." Thus ending the conversation. I thought very little of it, until today. I was browsing MySpace out of absolute boredom, and I noticed a multitude of picture comments saying very similar things. "Hey Grrl, Damn you lookin british," or "Wow, you look very british in that picture."

May I be the unified voice on ending this global conversation. No one looks british, unless you're wearing a three piece suit, wearing a derby, and have a heavily scuplted moustace.

I was pondering today, the hypocrisy of today's illegal immigrants. First, the re-dubbing our national anthem in Spanish didn't ring of an all together interest in "Being America" as so many signs touted.

But the thing that got me today was that there was a giant protest-march type thing on May 1st to state oh so boldly that illegal immigrants are America. Now, however tomorrow is cinco de mayo. I wonder what hypocrite that fought so hard to be heard on May 1st to prove that they are America will now celebrate Cinco de Mayo, Mexico's Independence Day.

Of course, when I brought this up to co-workers, they told me that Cinco de Mayo is just an excuse for drinking, and I am thinking too much about this--a response I get far too often.